I sometimes debate over how honest I should be on this blog. It is hard to know if I should pour my heart out and be brutally honest, or if I should stay positive and optimistic and try to share on the better days. This morning I read my cousin Courtney's blog and her honesty motivated me to write a very honest post.
I haven't read devotions for a few weeks. I don't know why, but I just haven't felt like doing it. Life seems so unfair and chaotic at times. Lately, I have felt overwhelmed by sad situations different people are dealing with around me.... a cousin losing her full term baby, a family member losing a job, a friend finding out her beautiful baby boy from Ethiopia has been shaken, family friends losing their mom way to young... These situations make me feel angry at God and I want to scream--What are you thinking?? Then I think about Ruby. I try to always think about how far she has come and be thankful that God has stopped the spasms for now. I try to take one day at a time and not think about the future. That works, usually. But there are days that I really question what God is doing in all of this. Is it really His plan that we have a brain injured child? Does He really want her to struggle all of her life to do things like walk, talk, eat? Can this really be what He has in store?
For some reason, admist these feelings, I opened my Bible again this morning. Courtney had posted a verse from Is. 55, so I decided to turn there. Here is what I read:
" Come to me all who are thirsty, come to the waters and you have no money, come, buy and eat!....Give ear and come to me. Hear me that your soul may live.....Seek the Lord while He may be found; call on Him while He is near."
In this passage God is calling the Israelites that were exiled to return and be restored. I felt God telling me to return to Him so He can refresh and restore my heart.
Here are the next few verses I read:
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts... my word goes out from my mouth; it doesn't return to me empty, but it will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. You will go out with JOY and be led forth in PEACE..."
God met me in this passage this morning. He reminded me that He is above and in all things. He knows what He is doing and He will not leave me. He wants me to seek Him and He will give me joy and peace!
Thank you God for knocking on the door of my heart this morning! Help me to continue to seek you so I can feel your joy and peace. Forgive me for the times I question you, but thanks for being big enough to handle my complete honesty. Use me for your glory--Amen
10 comments:
Just beautiful Kelli! Our Heavenly Father is just so AWESOME! Even in times of question, he still meets with us. Even when we are so angry at him, he shows us his faithfulness. He is such a wonderful Father!!! Lots of HUGS to you! You are so strong and an amazing Mom!!!
It's so great to feel God knocking and return to Him. So glad you got to feel this this morning! Ditto margarets comment: you are an amazing mom through God - whether you feel it or not.
Beautiful, Kelli!!! Thank you for sharing your heart! Please know that you are all in our family's prayers as you continue this journey! God is already using you and Ruby, and He will continue to use you!
You made me get all weepy with your post Kelli. It is so hard to understand everything sometimes. Impossible to understand at times. I am so thankful that God is faithful and that He knows best.. that we can trust Him even when we face heartache and are pushed beyond what we ever thought we could handle. Thanks for sharing!
Hi Kelli- I just wanted you to know i think of you and ruby and charlie all the time. our little dylan was little like charlie too but he is doing well. i just wanted you to know i was thinking of you guys and miss you. You are an amazing mom:)
Kelli-Thank you for being "brutally honest." Your faith journey is one to marvel at and I am so very blessed by you. Isn't it awesome how God will meet us where we are when we can't quite make it to Him?? Thank you, Thank you, Thank you for your post.
You certainly can be honest with friends and family. Thank you for sharing, Kelli! It is SO wonderful to have a God who waits with open arms. We wouldn't be human if we didn't have doubts and anger sometimes. As evidence by all the comments, you'll never be short of reminders that you are a great mom and friend. Just let us know when you need a little warm fuzzy. :)
I am so encouraged by your post. Thank you for sharing your heart.
Good post, Kelli...know that a lot of people are holding you guys in prayer in a continual basis. Stay strong.
Well said Kelli...I always enjoy reading your blog. You're such an inspiration!
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