Yesterday, Sept 14, was Ruby's gotcha day; we have known her for three years! Hard to believe that it has been that long since we first met her in a hospital in Ethiopia. She was so incredibly tiny and sick; she weighed less than 8 pounds even though she was four and a half months old. Her limbs were stiff and her hands and feet were clenched. She had scabs on her head, staph infection on her shoulder, long fingernails and diaper rash so bad it bled....meeting her wasn't at all the experience I had expected. I expected her to be scared, I expected her to cry because she didn't want to leave her nannies, I expected it to take her some time to warm up to us. I didn't expect her to be so sick. I didn't expect that she didn't seem attached to anyone. I didn't expect that she couldn't follow me with her eyes or reach out for a toy. I didn't expect that she didn't smile or roll over. I didn't expect major medical issues.... I hadn't prepared for this.
Gotcha Day (the day we met Ruby) brings all these feelings back. I had prepared to celebrate this day with Ruby. I read books about how to make her feel special on this day. I wrote letters to Ruby while we were waiting for her referral that I wanted to one day share with her. I thought about what gifts I could give her from Ethiopia. I bought children's books that told adoption stories in ways kids could understand. I even looked up some Amharic words and Ethiopian recipes that I could one day make with Ruby. I wanted to do all these things so she would understand how much we love her and how so she would never doubt that she belonged in our family.
We didn't celebrate Gotcha Day yesterday; in fact, it was hardly even mentioned. The letters I wrote her sit on my shelf unread. Charlie reads the adoption books, but Ruby will never understand them. We don't make Ethiopian food because Ruby wouldn't be able to chew it. I didn't give her gifts from Ethiopia because she wouldn't be able to play with them or understand why they were special.
I LOVE my daughter from the bottom of my heart. She is beautiful and special and I know God wanted her to be in our family. Even though that is true, this is not the way I prepared to spend Gotcha Day...and that is tough.
8 comments:
Happy gotcha day... that moment of first meeting is so surreal, and for you it must have been tenfold. I hear your heart Kelli... thanking God for you and Ruby and your whole family.
feelin' your pain....crying those tears of lost dreams with you.
oh Kelli.....
i am so sorry for your pain as well. trials in this life are supposed to make us stronger but that sure doesn't make it any easier.
big hugs friend.
I tried to comment on this post sooner, but just could not.
Today, our sermon was "Peace Be With You". I am finally realizing that I do have peace in Christ. I do not have to love the plan He has for Ruby, but I can have peace in it. What I struggle with is the hard work it takes for you and Mark to have a 'normal' family life. Then I pray and God assures me that this is your 'normal' and He won't leave you hanging out there either. He will allow dad and me to help in ways we can and then give you and us the strength and the peace in Christ to carry on.
I love you all so much.........Mom
Happy Gotcha Day sweet Ruby! You might think she doesn't know, but I guarantee, she does - she feels everything you feel. Peace to you, Kelly.
I have been reading your blog for awhile now but never commented, this post really touched me. I am sorry this Gotcha day was not spent how you imagined. But I agree with the others, she does know, no matter what her condition is she knows. Remember...God does not give you what he thinks you can handle,what he gives you he walks with you and helps you to handle it! Bless you and your family
Happy Gotcha Day Ruby! Kelly thank you for sharing your true heart. I am so sorry that you have to grieve the loss of your dreams for Ruby. You have been truly blessed by a little girl who loves you. I agree that she really does know. Praying that you have a peace that passes all understanding.
I love your heart, Kelli. Ruby is so so blessed to be YOUR daughter. Loving you and Ruby today!!
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