What Could Have Been

It's been a flurry of activity at our house lately. We are in full summer mode. Recently the kids enjoyed a neighborhood picnic, swimming, playdates, a birthday party, ice cream, time at the beach...etc. Charlie and Tabatha had an amazing time at vacation Bible school. It feels like summer and we are loving it. It's been a great couple of weeks.

This afternoon, when the other kids were napping or resting, I went and laid by Ruby in her bed. She seemed content to listen to music with her therapy machine on. She smiled at me snuggling by her. 

Then, unexpectedly, my tears came. Grief often sneaks up on me like that. Usually I don't let myself think of what could have been, but today I couldn't stop myself. I got caught up in dreaming what it would look like to have Ruby participate in all those activities we have been a part of this week. 

I want to run with her at the park. I want to watch her praising Jesus at VBS. I want to see her swim in Lake Michigan. I want to watch her play with neighbor friends or jump on the trampoline. I long to have her look at me and tell me that she loves me.

Sometimes I miss the Ruby I thought we were going to have. I miss the Ruby that could have been. 

"When my world is shaking, heaven stands. When my heart is breaking, I never leave your hands....Your hands that shaped the world, hold me still"

--JJ Heller (Your Hands)