I thought it was time that I update you on how Ruby is doing and ask for your advice. I am going to share some joys we have experienced, but I also want to be honest about issues we are facing.
Ruby is 5 1/2 months old and she has been home from a little more than a month. We have seen her grow (3.5 + lbs since we have been home!) and change a lot already and we are excited to watch her make progress. She was very sick in Ethiopia and was in the hospital there a couple of times with pneumonia and other various things. Now we are taking her to physical therapy 2 times a week to work on her muscle tone and development. Her hands used to be very clenched, but they are much more relaxed now. She is starting to kick her legs more and she can bear a little weight on them. Tummy time has been more tolerable and we have caught her sucking on her fingers a few times. I think we have seem a couple of smiles, though we would love more. She loves bathtime and she loves to cuddle with me and with Mark. We are working on getting her to grab at toys and hold on to them; she can hold a rattle if we put it in her hands, but she doesn't usually reach out to grab at it. She looks around a lot, as if she is always taking everything in.
There, as you see above, are many positve things going on, but we still have some concerns. Ruby is very clingly lately and will often scream when I set her down. This could be a positive sign of attachment, but I am not sure. She is sleeping with us because that is the only way I can get her to sleep; she seems much more comfortable right next to us.Often she wants to hold my hand as she falls asleep. I have also noticed that she dazes a lot. I can get her to focus on me and she will track rattles, but sometimes it seems like she is zoning out. Could this be a way she is coping to all the new stuff around her? Could she be overstimulated? She also has some meltdowns where she screams and sweats (I didn't know infants could sweat this much :) I wonder if this is because she is scared?? She also still arches her back some, although that has gotten significantly better since we were in Ethiopia. We have no idea if the arching is just because she has poor muscle tone, reflex, a defense mechanism, or something else. We are in contact with a neuro-development specialist at DeVos that we saw when she stayed at DeVos overnight. I think they would like to see Ruby in the next couple of weeks to see how she is doing. I drive myself crazy watching Ruby and trying to decide what is emotional, what is developmental and what could be signs of a medical issue.... I love her so much, but I am tired from trying to figure this all out.
So- I was wondering if I could get some feedback from all of you who have adopted infants or who have read about adopting infants. Did you have similar concerns? What should I be looking for? I knew there would be developmental delays, but I underestimated how many emotions she would be experiencing. Even though she is young, I think she is grieving and scared sometime; other times I think she is making great strides towards attaching to us.
I would love your feedback! Thanks, you all have been an encouragement to us.
7 comments:
You are doing just as you should be doing with only being home for just over a month. Your mommy instincts are in place and you are following your gut. Stick with this. Yes, babies this young can grieve. She is attaching to you and she is still learning that you will be there for her forever. It took Ellie 8 months to learn this. She was very anxiously attached to me for that time. There were many times that I *knew* things that were happening were attachment related and it would 'rot my socks' so to speak, when non-adoptive parents who weren't with us day in and day out would wave away my concerns with something such as "all babies do that"... You will instictively know when something is not quite right. And when you have your new little one, you will see how naturally attachment happens with a bio child. All that to say, hang in there. Don't make yourself sick with worry about what is what.. what is emotional, physical, etc. Just BE there for Ruby, continue meeting her needs, continue loving her as you are, and things WILL fall into place. Spend as much time as you can (when she will put up with it, because you're right, they can become overstimulated and need a break!) being close to her, making eye contact whenever possible. Ellie would only make very little eye contact for her first number of months home; she wanted to take her bottle facing away from me after her first few weeks home. It was hard to watch and know how hard she was fighting attachment. It takes a different amount of time for all babies/toddlers/children to reach a place of true healthy attachment after adoption happens. Feel free to call me if you ever want to talk. I've been there and we made it through and Ellie is doing great! It's not something to anguish over unnecessarily, but at the same time it is good to acknowlege it and do what you can to help Ruby know that she is with her forever family now.
It sounds like you are doing a lot of good things. We came home with infant twins from ET a few weeks before you and have experienced many of the things you describe. We're using holding time with both when we see lack of eye contact and/or arching. For development - I think things can be put on hold when they're in a state of major transition. We're seeing a few new tricks but mainly I think they're still settling into our family yet. We're using Iowa's birth to 3 program to help promote development. Our twins needed ear tubes b/c they weren't hearing well. They're sleeping better and making more noises now. Best wishes and feel free to e-mail with any further questions.
Great questions guys, I will try to get you some good info when I am back in the states, I am traveling with an attachment specialist so I will show her your entry and see what she thinks. in the mean time do what makes her feel safe, keep holding, but make sure you are getting self care too. A crying baby can be hard. Take turns, and Kelli, make sure you get some you time! more next week, Sarah
Hi Kelli
We have 2 little ones at home one biological and the other we adopted from Ethiopia when she was 5 months old. SHe was also very sick when we went to get her and we were in the hospital.
First of all I applaud you for asking for help. I wish I would have asked earlier. I agree with what Holly said, take one day at a time and just enjoy each other and spend time getting to know her. Try not to figure everything out. Ruby has been through a lot just being adopted but she also has all the medical stuff too. This can be scary with new places and people and sometimes painful procedures. Touch her a lot and tell her it will be okay. Try not to worry because children can sense when you are nervous or uptight causing them to also be tense. Try putting her in a baby carrier so she will be close to you and you can do somethings. Wanting to be with you all the time is good, you must make her feel safe. I know it can be exhausting, try and go for a walk when your husband gets home. We couldn't do much when we got home with our baby. She got overwhelmed with lots of people or different places. We wanted her to become very familiar with our home and us always being their. She couldn't even hold her head up and her back was like jelly-o but now she is almost walking before 12 months. She wouldn't really nap but 15 minutes at a time. We put her in the baby swing and this helped her a lot. Eventually her nap time got longer and longer. It was hard to feed her a bottle because she would flop all over; she still kind of does this. She woke up 5-8 times a night for 3 months...it was SO hard but we didn't let her "cry it out" and I'm so glad we didn't. She didn't laugh or smile for a few months...this made us nervous but eventually it came. We have been home 6 months and it is going WAY better. Hang in there it will get better. I would pray everyday "Lord, please help hanna attach to me and me to her." Our biological daughter also had trouble sleeping when she was a baby but it got better too. Please email me with any questions.
Hi Kelli
We have 2 little ones at home one biological and the other we adopted from Ethiopia when she was 5 months old. SHe was also very sick when we went to get her and we were in the hospital.
First of all I applaud you for asking for help. I wish I would have asked earlier. I agree with what Holly said, take one day at a time and just enjoy each other and spend time getting to know her. Try not to figure everything out. Ruby has been through a lot just being adopted but she also has all the medical stuff too. This can be scary with new places and people and sometimes painful procedures. Touch her a lot and tell her it will be okay. Try not to worry because children can sense when you are nervous or uptight causing them to also be tense. Try putting her in a baby carrier so she will be close to you and you can do somethings. Wanting to be with you all the time is good, you must make her feel safe. I know it can be exhausting, try and go for a walk when your husband gets home. We couldn't do much when we got home with our baby. She got overwhelmed with lots of people or different places. We wanted her to become very familiar with our home and us always being their. She couldn't even hold her head up and her back was like jelly-o but now she is almost walking before 12 months. She wouldn't really nap but 15 minutes at a time. We put her in the baby swing and this helped her a lot. Eventually her nap time got longer and longer. It was hard to feed her a bottle because she would flop all over; she still kind of does this. She woke up 5-8 times a night for 3 months...it was SO hard but we didn't let her "cry it out" and I'm so glad we didn't. She didn't laugh or smile for a few months...this made us nervous but eventually it came. We have been home 6 months and it is going WAY better. Hang in there it will get better. I would pray everyday "Lord, please help hanna attach to me and me to her." Our biological daughter also had trouble sleeping when she was a baby but it got better too. Please email me with any questions.
I don't have any advice but please know we are praying for you guys! Dustin and I read your blog together last night and we both commented that it has to be so hard, but yet your motherly and fatherly instincts will be the best indicator!
Kelli!!!
It sounds like you are a true mommy!!! EJ wasn't adopted, however I went through very similar stresses and emotions around the same age. Ryan was deployed and I was having to figure this kid out on my own.... I remember just being in tears from shear exhaustion (oh wait that was this weekend!!! :-) ). I think that your concerns are quite valid, and it sounds like you and Mark are doing a great job. The arching the back, my cousin did that when he was a baby. It used to scare us to death thinking we were going to drop him, and he eventually grew out of it. But you are correct, I think it could be defensive as well. She may be just a baby, but she still will have feelings of attachment and abandonment. It sounds like you are dealing really well with it though. EJ slept with me a lot while Ryan was gone. I think that it gave him more security. (and me as well). I know it isn't the same as adoption, but having someone constantly in your life and then all of a sudden gone can cause some issues for a baby. It is hard when they cannot communicate with you about their feelings and you are left guessing.
I think you are doing the right thing in checking with the professionals. If for nothing else, peace of mind!
You are in our prayers! Hang in there. Your mommy intuition is well intact!
Laura
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