Big Girl Bed

Ruby's crib has been exchanged for a twin day bed. She doesn't sleep well at night and we are hoping that she will calm faster if we can quick lay down with her. Also, this will allow us to cuddle her without unhooking her ABR machine which is on every night. Last night she slept really well...we will see if that continues.

The reality of having a special needs child hits me at such crazy times. Getting rid of Ruby's crib shouldn't be a big deal, but it kind of makes me sad. Before we ever met Ruby, we prepared her nursery. I was so excited to paint the walls and get a matching bumper for the crib. We got a doll and a few stuffed bears as gifts that I couldn't wait to put in the crib. We set up the changing table with cute baskets filled with spit rags and diapers. The closet had a tub filled with toys on the floor so she could easily reach them. The bookshelf was overflowing with books...

All these preparations seem so silly now. Ruby never needed the bumper because she doesn't move much. She doesn't hug the teddy bear to fall asleep at night and she can't dump over the toys in the tub or take all the diapers out of the baskets. She has never reached up for me to get her out of her crib or thrown her pacifier overboard. All the adoption picture books I collected for her are sitting on her book shelf collecting dust. I guess moving the crib out of her room finalizes the fact that she never did those things.

Before we knew about Ruby, I pictured what transitioning to a big girl bed would be like for her. I figured we would talk a lot about it to prep her. I planned on getting cute new bedding and making her feel special with her new room. I knew she would probably get in and out of it a lot the first few nights and we would have to be tough about making her stay in her own bed... Again, all these thoughts seem silly now. Ruby doesn't even know she is in a new bed.

I guess the toughest thing about having a special needs child is all those little dreams and expectations that I once had for my daughter are gone. At each new stage I am again reminded of how different life will be. I try not to expect anything and I try to live one day at a time, being thankful for the joy that Ruby is and the progress she has made. But some days I miss the tantrums, the skinned knees and grass stains, the running in the house, the time outs, the apologies, the hugs... the little things I don't get to experience with Ruby.